A Basic Need

I had a conversation with a couple of people a few weeks ago.  We were discussing what we wanted out of life.  I think my point of view threw them totally.  So often these days people want a new car, a nice house, a foreign holiday, a new gadget (phone, TV, music player, etc.)  All of the material stuff means very little to me.  I am not interested in owning stuff or being massively successful.  Yes I want a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my belly and to be good at the job I have.  Despite having lived with very little for so long, I don't crave possessions.

What I want now is the same thing I have always wanted.  I want someone to love me.  I want to be with someone who wants to be around me.  Someone who will show me affection.  Someone who will take care of my basic needs as I want to do for him.  In a world where everything seems based on wealth and success, my meagre aspiration seems very sad, but in all honesty that feeling of being held in someone's arms is all I need.

Feeling...mental.

The thing I really find hard to deal with in regard to my mental health issues is how it isn't specific.

If I went to the doctor and said my leg was hurting and there was a large piece of metal sticking out of it, I would be sent to hospital for the metal to be removed.  The wound would be treated and would eventually heal (hopefully).

How do you address mental health issues if there is nothing there to see.  "I feel dizzy".  "I feel anxious".  "My head feels like it is bending in three directions".  "I worry about going outside in case there is a zombie apocalypse".  "I am overwhelmed by groups of people."  "My sleep pattern is disrupted."

"Here are some pills - take them often until YOU eventually go away and cease to be an annoyance to me.  You will become a blur to everyone including yourself."

The problems don't go away, but the ability care about them does.

Relationship?

So it is my anniversary this month - I will have been with my 'partner' for seventeen years.  Not totally sure that 'been with' is the correct term.  We don't live together.  There is very little commitment.  The relationship has not been consummated - yes I know that is probably hard to believe, but there we go.  He has met my nieces, my parents, my friends.  I have met his mother - once...and she didn't get out of the car at my house.  It was their three bedroom house that I decorated from top to bottom last year - they were not there at the time, I have not been invited back since.

We have an open relationship.  He told me years ago that because of circumstances (his parents), he could only see me for a couple of hours a couple of times a week and did not expect me "to sit at home with my knitting".  I did find out that he was going 'cruising'...so he was not averse to sex - just not with me.  My attempts to initiate anything with him would always end with me being brushed off.

We go on holiday for a weekend every year - separate beds, of course.  We exchange small gifts at birthdays and Christmas - but I am not materialistic and would rather have a display of affection.

Do I love him?  Yes, but it is more as a friend than in a romantic way.  He has been kind to me through my difficult times and I am afraid of hurting him.  Does he love me?  Who knows.

So why are we together?  Because I was always afraid that I would end up alone.  Because I couldn't believe anyone would love me.  Because something is better than nothing.  As it turns out, I feel more alone now...I still can't believe anyone would love me...it depends on the something as to whether it is better than nothing.

Happy anniversary to me.