I have a persona that I present to the world. When I was seeing my last therapist, we used to refer to it as my 'showbiz personality'. It automatically clicks in when I have to leave the house - I no longer have any control of it. In some respects, it has become an over exaggerated parody of myself.
The other me is quiet and private. That one can happily sit quietly for hours meditating, listening to music or even just daydreaming. It is a personality that doesn't feel the need to put on a show for the amusement of others.
I feel sure that most people have different aspects of themselves that they show depending on who they are with or what the situation. At least I hope they do - otherwise I am further gone than I thought! I do wonder though if everyone has very different specific personalities.
One of the things that has occupied my mind has been an interest in drag. I would love to put on the wig, the heels, the make up, the glitzy frock. How would my personalities handle it? The other day a thought occurred to me - my use of the 'showbiz personality' is effectively doing drag without the wig, etc., which reminded me of the quote by RuPaul.
I am just doing my drag in a different format. It might be fun to try going the whole hog though - and maybe even brave an audience. I have to admit that I do admire some drag queens a huge amount - the likes of Panti Bliss, who is an outstanding orator and an inspiration.
There is another side to my current personality confusion. This is best illustrated by Caitlyn Jenner. Is that what I want? I am feminine but would I want to change my body to that extent? I don't know. I have always been happy with the bits I have, but perhaps if I had transitioned when I was younger it might have helped me with issues I have around my gender identity. Of course, it might not too. Perhaps I am just not a man nor a woman. The older I get, the more I feel constrained by binary gender. I am neither one nor the other, I am a blend of both. I think most people probably are. It just so happens that I am somewhere nearer the middle ground between the traditional male and female depictions. Perhaps one day society will be able to accept people as they are and allow them to show themselves in a way that matches how they feel.
Caitlyn Jenner did inspire me in one aspect. In the virtual world of Second Life, I have abandoned male avatars and now inhabit a female one. She is not a parody. She is not in drag. She is a fully fledged female representation of my personality - feminine, interested in using fashion to show off who she is, warm, friendly and very rude!
Of course, the downside of my gender identity crisis is that I have come to the conclusion that I will never have a satisfying relationship and am destined to spend a solitary existence. The pinnacle of the homosexual world is "straight looking, straight acting". I do enough of an act without trying to incorporate straightness and let's be honest, everyone who has met me can testify that I am unlikely to ever pass as straight.
Perhaps I need to find what works for me and make do with that - a lonely path but one that I make for myself.
