Friday, 21 January 2011
Give me my life
Something strange happened today - after months trapped in darkness I realised that my brain still functions. I allowed my life to be taken away from me by circumstances. I lived in a tiny little space in the world. Why? Yes I was tired and worn down by the actions and words of those around me, but I did not fight back. Perhaps it was their subtlety that gradual robbed me of who I was. But - I am me;I can think, I can feel, I can experience. I want my life back. And I am going to take it back no matter what.
Wednesday, 19 January 2011
Employability
So...I am currently unemployed. I have been for over a year now - but then again I am hardly unique in this. The jobcentre have sent me on a course to help me in to work. Today we filled in a practice job application and then had two 'fun' exercises. The first involved using dried spaghetti and Jelly Babies to see who could build the highest tower. The second exercise was to build a freestanding tent out of only newspaper and sticky tape.
These weren't really my sort of thing and as I have low self-worth at the moment as it is, I got to thinking "Is this all I am good for now?" I have been an office manager, a training development consultant and a further education lecturer. I suspect that kids in pre-school aren't allowed to mess about like we were doing today. I tried to distance myself from it and of course there was a build up of resentment in the others in the room who were more than happy to spend their time on such things. I am aware that a sheet of newspaper does not provide effective soundproofing when slagging someone off, but evidently some of the other people in the room did not.
In the end, I walked out. Didn't even pick my coat up. Went and sat on the ground outside the building and cried a bit. Eventually I went back in and asked someone to get the course tutor to come out. It was agreed that it would be better if I went off and did something else for the afternoon, which I did as I am working on refreshing my literacy and numeracy skills at another training centre.
Funny the way your day can change in an instant. Recovering from a second nervous breakdown and being hooked on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills doesn't help.
At least after today I know I won't be any good in jobs where I have to build things with dried pasta or newspaper.
These weren't really my sort of thing and as I have low self-worth at the moment as it is, I got to thinking "Is this all I am good for now?" I have been an office manager, a training development consultant and a further education lecturer. I suspect that kids in pre-school aren't allowed to mess about like we were doing today. I tried to distance myself from it and of course there was a build up of resentment in the others in the room who were more than happy to spend their time on such things. I am aware that a sheet of newspaper does not provide effective soundproofing when slagging someone off, but evidently some of the other people in the room did not.
In the end, I walked out. Didn't even pick my coat up. Went and sat on the ground outside the building and cried a bit. Eventually I went back in and asked someone to get the course tutor to come out. It was agreed that it would be better if I went off and did something else for the afternoon, which I did as I am working on refreshing my literacy and numeracy skills at another training centre.
Funny the way your day can change in an instant. Recovering from a second nervous breakdown and being hooked on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills doesn't help.
At least after today I know I won't be any good in jobs where I have to build things with dried pasta or newspaper.
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