The post in which Nidge talks sex...

I read an online article the other day that was discussing 'gay' terminology.  Having read such things before I am well aware that there are distinctions in the roles gay men take during sex.  From my own limited personal experience I have also found the following to be true:

Bottom or passive = on the receiving end
Versatile/bottom = as above
Versatile = as above
Versatile/top = as above
Active or top = believes it is better to give than to receive (approximately 51% of the time and the other 49% is on his knees whimpering like a new puppy)

So the article I read gave me a new concept, something called a 'total top'.  At no point in time does he wish to be on the receiving end (unless it is of a blow job).  As previously mentioned, my practical experience is limited, but from the men I have known I find it difficult to believe that something such as a 'total top' exists.  I would have put such a man on my Christmas list for Santa but I find it easier to believe that Santa exists!

I suppose I am something of a prude when it comes to sex.  I understand the idea of kink and fetishes and all the rest of it, but personally speaking I have simple needs.  I don't need chemicals (i.e. poppers) to achieve and maintain an erection.  I once got a whiff of them in a nightclub and almost brought my dinner back.  I don't feel the urge to have so many piercings that my intimate regions resemble a Meccano set.  I am sure I will never understand why anyone needs to be zapped by so much electricity during sex that they cause the neighbourhood lights to flicker.

I admit that I like leather...but don't especially want to be clad from head to toe in it during sexual activities, nor do I wish to be strapped in to some sort of arrangement that looks like it is used by cows during calving.  While a bag over my head may be preferable for my partner during sexual relations, I have no desire to be zipped in to a gimp mask.  Anything involving catheters(!) and funnel shaped devices is also on the list of undesirables.  I don't want a crowd watching...I certainly don't want to be videoed...I find it unpleasant having my photograph taken at the best of times.

I am ticklish, so touch me like you mean it otherwise I will laugh (and then punch you) and my nipples are very sensitive, they don't need twisting like you are trying to tune in a 1930s wireless...

What's wrong with tenderness, affection and intimacy?

Making a list...

On Thursday, my Facebook status was, 'Prowling for fresh victims. Advice to the gay dudes...make sure your expectations are realistic. Some of your demands might have been okay when you were 30 years younger, but now you should just be grateful that someone doesn't make you wear a bag over your head.'

So having continued to read lists of what everyone absolutely must have in a potential shag...erm, I mean...partner, I have decided to make my own list of musts and must nots.

• Male genitals - kind of obvious, but I thought I had better mention it as I have had some strange offers in the past...like the woman who sent me the message, "You don't need to be gay.  Some of us women like it up the arse".  As icebreakers go, that was a little beyond what I require from anyone and ensured I blocked her
• A pulse - always a plus in a potential match unless you want to date a vampire or a zombie (already had my share of both of those)
• I have a fondness for blue eyes...but other colours are acceptable so long as they aren't black, red, etc.
• I like dark hair - and short hair.  I am not bothered how short it is (bald...stubble...etc.) and quite like it when it has grey in it (or was once dark and is now totally grey)
• Body hair...actually I do have a thing for hairy men - and I mean right up to looking like a gorilla.  Body hair isn't such a huge deal so long as there is some somewhere.  Men are not meant to be waxed and polished to a shine, especially pale ones...they just look like oven-ready chickens
• I don't mind facial hair so long as it isn't an outlandish design or you get mistaken for Gandalf...
• An interest in something, but not an obsession (and not trains)
• Confidence, but not arrogance
• A sense of humour - trust me, you'd need it
• I quite like a dominant guy - not in the realms of being dragged round Asda on a leash in a gimp mask - but a man who can 'take charge'
• Someone who has feet in proportion to their body...men who are six feet tall and yet only take a size five shoe just really weird me out
• A sensible height...like between five feet and six feet six.  I am 5'11" (and a fraction).  I am not going to be wearing high heels any time soon.  Once you pass the 7' mark, you are intimidating (and hard to kiss)
• A bit of meat on your bones...if you only need a long nose and ears to resemble Wile E Coyote, even facing the other way is not going to help...

I am sure there is other stuff I could put on this list, but choosing a person is not an exact science.  At least not for me.

One Day I'll Fly Away

Someone told me the other day that I wasn't materialistic.  I am not sure whether it was meant as an insult, but I took it as a compliment.  I really don't care about 'stuff'.  Don't get me wrong, I used to - I loved having nice things.  The older I get, it seems the less I require.

My house isn't spectacular, but it keeps the weather out.  My clothes are probably starting to look dated and maybe some of them are a little worse for wear, but they are clean and keep me covered.  My car isn't flashy, but it takes me to places I need to go.  My phone doesn't have lots of technical thingummies, but it makes calls in an emergency.  I might miss a meal here and there, but I am unlikely to starve to death.

I remember reading something about possessions - that we don't actual own anything, we just rent them.  For example, a gold ring.  You might buy it, but you don't own it because it will more than likely outlast you - so your payment was renting it for your lifetime.  Over the past couple of years, I have learned that I need very little.  I don't feel the need to have new furniture and knick-knacks and gadgets any more.  I have seen so many people that I genuine and deeply cared for fade away because of cancer and Alzheimer's.  Life is there to be lived, not to be spent polishing a car or dusting.

Don't get me wrong, there are still things I would like - a new PC wouldn't go amiss as mine has just celebrated it's tenth birthday.  My car could do with an overhaul.  I'd like some warm trousers for the winter.  To be honest, I would much rather see what else is out there in the world and share it with people than own a load of clutter.  If I had the money, I would travel.  I have seen so little of my own country and there is a whole world out there - all those places to see, things to do, people to meet.  Perhaps one day.