The worst thing about depression is that people can't see it. They can see evidence of it, but the actual thing itself is not visible. I have suffered from depression since I was seventeen. I had a breakdown when I was 29 and another when I was 39 (needless to say that I am not looking forward to 49).
People can look at me and not know anything is wrong, just as they can with anyone else who suffers from mental health issues. When you have experienced it for yourself, you tend to pick up on the small things in other people...a tremor in the hands...a momentary facial expression when a thought hits them and their guard falls down.
Despite the pills and the twenty years of therapy I have had, the darkness never goes away. It is always somewhere in the back of my head waiting for a moment when it can cast a shadow over me. That's what it is like for me - a shadow. The light does not go out of life, but it is not on me. I can see it around me, which makes me even more acutely aware of the shadow on me. That's the momentary facial expression...just like a shadow passing over the person's face.
I think people who have not experienced depression find it hard to understand. There are no scars, no physical impairment. Unless you are sat huddled up and having a cry, you appear just as anyone else does. The fact that inside screaming and your head is contemplating how to end it all does not show. When I am alone at night, that is when the shadows are greatest. I always loved my bed, but over the last couple of years I have delayed my bedtime more and more. Lying alone in the darkness of my thoughts with voices goading me and images of blades is not something I look forward to.
I heard it said that one of the times when you feel the most relief from depression is when you decide to take your own life. The end is in sight and the shadows lift. When a person with depression suddenly becomes happy and at peace is, apparently, the time to worry. I reached that point once myself. I went to see individual members of my family, just to spend time with them and let them know that I had been feeling unwell but was now able to see the light of day. As it turned out, a friend prevented me from carrying out my plan. I had it all figured out - when I was going to do it with the least likelihood of being discovered during my attempt, how to wedge the garage door so it would take effort to open it.
People say such silly things when you have depression or they offer you tea and sympathy. Personally, I don't want sympathy...I want understanding.
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