Relationship?

So it is my anniversary this month - I will have been with my 'partner' for seventeen years.  Not totally sure that 'been with' is the correct term.  We don't live together.  There is very little commitment.  The relationship has not been consummated - yes I know that is probably hard to believe, but there we go.  He has met my nieces, my parents, my friends.  I have met his mother - once...and she didn't get out of the car at my house.  It was their three bedroom house that I decorated from top to bottom last year - they were not there at the time, I have not been invited back since.

We have an open relationship.  He told me years ago that because of circumstances (his parents), he could only see me for a couple of hours a couple of times a week and did not expect me "to sit at home with my knitting".  I did find out that he was going 'cruising'...so he was not averse to sex - just not with me.  My attempts to initiate anything with him would always end with me being brushed off.

We go on holiday for a weekend every year - separate beds, of course.  We exchange small gifts at birthdays and Christmas - but I am not materialistic and would rather have a display of affection.

Do I love him?  Yes, but it is more as a friend than in a romantic way.  He has been kind to me through my difficult times and I am afraid of hurting him.  Does he love me?  Who knows.

So why are we together?  Because I was always afraid that I would end up alone.  Because I couldn't believe anyone would love me.  Because something is better than nothing.  As it turns out, I feel more alone now...I still can't believe anyone would love me...it depends on the something as to whether it is better than nothing.

Happy anniversary to me.