The video above is something I can relate to - and yes, I see myself in the Joan Collins role. Does everyone do this? At home sometimes I am an emotional wreck, I am too tired to make an effort, I want to curl up somewhere and shut out the world. I am sure everyone who really knows me or who has seen the things I have posted on blogs, Twitter and Facebook will have an understanding of this. As soon as my hand touches the door handle to leave the house, another me assumes control. The smile comes on, the silliness and laughter start. Someone asked me recently if I ever felt down because I am always laughing and positive. My online presence reflects some of the inner turmoil I feel because I am in private when I write it, so I don't see it as being public.
The different personalities is something I discussed when I last had therapy. At the end of the first eight sessions, my therapist suddenly stopped and said "I think I just saw the real you for a second". I knew she was right as as I felt it and snapped myself back under control. I am a natural introvert, but when I was 16 years old another personality emerged as a self-defensive mechanism; something to keep the bullies at bay, something to distance me from the world around me. I refer to it as 'showbiz me' Even during therapy sessions.when I had sat pouring out my fears and anxieties in sobbing bursts, when it came time to leave, my face set in to it's outside world mask and my mannerisms became exaggerated.
Keeping up appearances for many years takes it toll. I still do it to a certain extent, but over the past few months I learned some things about myself. I am actually a good person. I have value. I have some fantastic skills. I deserve to be loved. So much pretence over the years. Quite surprisingly (to me anyway) I am now taking a much more relaxed view of things - hate me or rate me - I actually like me.
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