No trauma...no drama...not a statement of intent...just a realisation following reflection - I have no reason to live. After all the times I have felt I had reasons to not live, this is a strange feeling. Hmmm.
Kind of a strange update, but I am in kind of a strange place.
Having experienced various levels of depression over the years, there have been times when I have considered ending my own life. This is not one of those times. I feel like I have travelled a long road and have now come to a signpost. The sign pointing from where I came says, "You were here". The sign pointing the way ahead says, "Where are you going?".
I am feeling like I have no reason to live because I am not sure what I am doing with my life. The road before me has often been obscured, but by keeping going I have rediscovered the path. It's rather like I went where I was meant to be and was the person I needed to be. Now I am unsure about both of those things.
I am currently not in employment - paid or unpaid. I have always been the support person - the one with an eye for the details, the one who organises, the one keeps things running, the one who no one ever notices until I am not there. I have always been the caregiver - the one with tea and sympathy, the one with first aid stuff, the one you call when you need a ride somewhere, the one who does your decorating, the one who makes your cakes, the one who is just there waiting for your call.
Now I have no employment so don't have roles to perform there. I am trying to distance myself from the caregiver role as it has been to draining on me - I always knew this, but it took therapy to get me to relinquish the role - like me for who I am, not for what you can get out of me. So in that area of my life too, I feel like my role is gone. I have a partner - but we don't live together, the relationship is not 'physical' and he fits me in when it suits, so I feel there is no role there either. My father is content with the television and my mother is out dancing, so they don't need me. My nieces and nephews have their own lives, so they don't need me. So what do I do? What purpose do I fulfill? I know from the meditation course I did that I am a human being not a human doing, but just to be is not in my nature. I want to do stuff. I want to have a role. I want a purpose, an aim.
So here I am...I do not feel like I have reasons to 'not be alive', but instead feel like I have no reason to live.
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